Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Heavy Blog Post Warning: If you don't like deep, introspective posts, better skip this one.

As I am rattling 'round in the house alone tonight, I have had some time to allow my mind to roam over questions that haven't seen much light so far. Little things in my house, objects and keepsakes, trigger some of the best ponderances.

My summer has been a very full one - full of learning, physical activity, work, friendship, family activities. My head is cloudy from physical exhaustion (post triathlon) and lack of sleep. Work has been occupying far too much of my time. Instead of catching up on my sleep, I'm allowing my mind to replay the past few months and think about those important to me.

Banana, my eleven-year-old daughter, is working on her individuality. She prides herself in being different than her friends and classmates. She has cut her hair quite short (as short as mine, almost); listens to "old fashioned" music (from the 50's - Buddy Holly, Jerry Lee Lewis, etc.); shuns anything she deems as feminine; wants to try all sorts of sports; she even pushes herself to read well above her grade level (she's a third of the way through Roots right now). I've often wondered why she tries so fervently to be unique, but chalked it up to the teenage need to try and find one's own way.

Tonight, I glanced over at a birthday party favour that Banana had brought home. It is a printout of a digital picture of Banana and Addy, a schoolmate of hers. It was taken at Addy's tenth birthday party, shortly before she left with her family on a trip to South America. The picture sits on a little wooden easel on top of our piano and has a painting of Addy on the other side of the foam board to which it is mounted. Seeing this made me consider that perhaps this striving to to be unique could have been triggered by my praise of Addy in a blog posting I did a year ago. It's almost as if she is working to change her entire being just to be like someone that I have given public praise to.


Maybe that's putting too much weight on my influence, but I believe it could be part of the reason. The more that I consider this, the more I realize that the ones that I love work very hard to gain my respect and admiration. They sometimes do the things that they do to, for and around me partly, perhaps, to be loved back.

Double wow. If only they knew.

By saying "If only they knew," I am acknowledging that they are not getting that message from me. Stopping to think about this, makes me realize that I'm not always the best at handing back this phrase, in word and deed. To those out there who hold a special place in my heart (and you know who you are, parents, family, friends), I will work hard to return the message that you give me by wanting to be part of my life.


See what happens when you listen to sappy music?

No comments: